The Asgard Gambit
by Samanda
Summary: Thor has a plan to save his race, and he needs the SGCand especially Jack and Samto pull it off.
1. Chapter 1

A/N This story was written by several people in the round robin style. For the most part, except where additions were too short to meet fanfic dot net's rules, each chapter has a different author.

* * *

Somewere in da pegeses galaxy, thor Was preparing his fleet for there important mission. "This baby is the key to our survival, but we can't raise it here, it's to chaotic, we can only trust two poeple with such a responsibility, colnel Jack o'Neil! and Major Sam Carter!"

* * *

Sam was sitting in a dark, dank, opressive room eating a tub of Ben and Jeryy's New York Super Fudge Chunk ice cream. (A/N That's my favorite kind!) She was eating this because Genral Landry had just told her that he was quitting, because his daughter wanted him too. His daughter was Carolyn Lam, and she was the CMO of the Stargate project where Sam worked. And he hadn't talked to his daughter in a long long long time and she was really mad at him because he was a genral and Sam could understand that because her father had been a genral and had neglected her all the time when she was little and Carolyn was mad about the same things but now Genral Landry was quitting to spend more time with Carolyn especially now that Carolyn was having Lt. Colneral Mitchell's baby. (A/N Cause that's true luv!)

Sam wasn't crying because Genral Landry was leaving though, even though she thought he was a good CO. But because Genral O'Neill was coming back and now they would have to stop dating! OMG!


	2. Chapter 2

General O'Neill, meanwhile, was sitting in the can on Air Force One, bitterly regretting the Nutella and salami breakfast he'd consumed that morning at the President's insistence - but not half as much as he regretted failing to get into Lt. Colonel Carter's pants during the few months they'd been dating, particularly now that he was headed back to Cheyenne Mountain to resume command and had therefore lost the opportunity to do so in the forseeable future, fraternization between officers and their CO's being much frowned-upon and all...

* * *


	3. Chapter 3

Well Jack realized he was going to be stuck sitting there for a while longer, damn that salami! And his mind wondered to that trip they all took to his cabin and Carter fishing with him. He arranged to have Teal'c and Daniel go out for pizza, then he tried his line he was sure that would get him inot Carter's pants "Hey babe come here often" To his dissappointment she answered "No Sir, you know this is my first time." Damn, he then had to go onto Plan B. That night he told them that his cabin only had 2 beds and a couch, so 2 of them would have to share...he left and went to his bedroom and hopped. A while later he was lying in bed with his back turned to the door, he heard the door open and then felt the bed shift under the weight of someone getting in 'Yes' he thought to himself, then said "Hey babe glad you could make it." Then heard the answer..."Well I've been called many things over the years many by you, but I still prefer you to call me Daniel."


	4. Chapter 4

Ah yes... Jack remembered the embarrassment and disappointment - well, not _that_ disappointing as it turned out... Daniel proved to be remarkably inventive, especially when they 'borrowed' Sam's lip-gloss and Teal'c's dental-floss for a bit of exotic play... but that was a whole different time and place and right now things were looking nothing like as promising...

_Bang! Bang! Bang!_ "Hey! Ya'll gonna be in there all morning?"

Jack winced and grunted. "Just a coupla more minutes, Mr President..."


	5. Chapter 5

Jack decidded that the only way to, get with Sam, was to porpose to her.

'That's it! he cried as he slammed the door in the pres's face. I've got it!'

"You've got what?" the Pres asked.

Oh nothing, Jack smiled to himself. But do know that congratulations are in order!'

'OK, Jack,' the president said leeerily. 'Just be careful. You know that kinsey's son is watching you like a hawk.'

'Kinsey's son! jack screamed.

yes, the presi said. and he's been watching cernal cartor for some time to."

"cartor! lt. cernal samantha cartor of sg-1?

yes, jak, the predisent sed gravelly. 'cernal cartor. the one youve preteded not to love for nine-point-five years.'

'oh crap.' jack frown to himmself. 'how did you know that?'

the pres laughed. 'everybody knoes jak. there have ben betting pules on you guys since before cartor even joined the air force.' the pres frowned. i think she went back in time to when she was nine, and accidently told george.'

'that ol dog! jack exclaimed. he's known all this time!


	6. Chapter 6

Back in the deep, dark, dank depths of Cheyenne Mountain where the sun don't shine (except occasionally out of Daniel's arse), Sam was starting to wish she hadn't hit the Super Fudge Chunk quite so hard (at least not without taking the precaution of getting a bucket from the nearest storage closet first), when Vala strode into her dismal corner of woe:

"Hey, Sam, been looking for you! We've had a message from the Asgard - Thor's gone AWOL in some distant galaxy and has some wicked 'take-over-the-known-universe' master-plan involving some baby he conceived without cell division through meiosis crap. Apparently he's headed our way to kidnap you and General O'Neill... say, what are you moping for?"

Sam sniffed and wiped shippy tears from her beautiful misery-reddened soft cheeks. "Oh, Vala, he won't be able to buy me any more flowers in pastel shades, he won't be able to feed me any more heart-shaped chocolates with cherry brandy inside, he won't be able to walk me home and give me a chaste goodnight kiss before leaving me on my moonlit doorstep to savour the memory of our wonderful evening in my dreams as I sleep in blissful solitude..."

Vala looked aghast. "What the frak kind of loser are you talking about, Sam?"

"Jack!" Sam wailed.

"Oh geez..."


	7. Chapter 7

Meanwhile George Hammond had gotten really really really bored with being retired and all especially now that his granddaughters wasgetting to that awful pre-teen age that everybody hates so much. He remember just this morning when Kayla had found all his very important papoers from the SGC-things only the president knew he still had and Gernral Landy would be really really really mad at him for keeping.

"Hey! Gramps! What's all this about Sam and Jack in a pool"? Kayla yelled at the top her her lungs.

"And hows come you never take me and my sister to that pool"? She asked.

So George had no choice but to explain to her all about odds and stuff (A/N I'd put in more,but I don't reallyunderstand gambling myself!) and Kayla had ran and told her mother, the little tattletale and now George wasn't getting no good dinner cause hsi daughter was mad at him.

But George did not mind because the prez had called him just before Kayla had found his stuff and said that a winner of the pool might be coming soon and Geroge had looked at all his papers and the dates and all that and the winner was down to two people:

Him and Teal'c!

He wondered if it was too late to get Teal'c deported to Chulak?


	8. Chapter 8

Had Teal'c had an inkling of the plotting currently occupying General George Hammond's shiny head, he would not have been hovering outside Sam's ice-cream scented lab and eaves-dropping on the conversation currently unfolding therein. Indeed, instead he would have been high-tailing it up to the Mountain Complex's car park to lie in wait for many stoic, silent hours for Jack O'Neill's arrival, ready to ambush his former and prospective CO to make damn sure the man was in no shape to make him lose his not insignificant stake in the pool, deportation to Chulak notwithstanding (he'd got his entire DVD collection riding on it just for starters, and frankly O'Neill's tackle wasn't worth one copy of _The Last Starfighter_, let alone his _Star Wars_ boxset and digitally remastered _Barbarella_).

Sadly, Teal'c was not aware of Hammond's scheming and so took no action, thereby condemning his treasures to the inevitable tender care of Hammond's grandchildren, who would mix up the boxes, smear their contents with lime-jelly sandwiches, and eventually lend them to their boyfriends from whence they would never return, even after they broke up with them.

No, Teal'c didn't know, and so remained where he was, listening intently, his proverbial eyebrow raised, to Sam and Vala:

"You have got to be kidding me! Cherry brandy?"

"Yes," sobbed Sam. "He said it would loosen me up a bit... I never knew what he meant by that."

Vala's eyeballs did a sweep of the ceiling. "You mean he never... you never... Say, does that mean you're still a..?"

"Vala!" Sam squealed in protest and started full on water-works.

Vala slapped her.


	9. Chapter 9

Meanwhile back at the dark base in the disamal corner Sam and Vala were still talking.

"So are you telling me you and Jack never?"  
"No" sniffed Sam.  
"In all those years together, no little off world tryst?"  
"No" double sniffed Sam.  
"So when was the last time you...you know?"  
Sam took a deep breath and her bottom lip quivered. "Never."  
"What!" Said Vala in astonishment.  
"Well, when I was younger, right before my mother died, she told me...not to have sex until you had the ring on your finger."

"And you listened to her?" Vala said shaking her head.  
"Well I did try to argue with her but she made me promise...then the next day she died." Sam cried.

"Oh you poor thing, you don't what your missing! I mean I find it hard to go a day without..."

"what? You mean you and Daniel...everyday?"  
"Well no, not everyday with Daniel...there was Sgt. Siler and that guy who always does the countdown, I can never remember his name, then there was.."

"Okay, ok I get it."  
"Aparantly not." Vala smirked.  
"Anyway I thought by now Genral Jack would have given me a ring and we could have...but ...but..."

"But what?" Asked Vala pulling up a pail and sitting down.  
"Well, I heard him and Daniel one night at Gen Jaks cabin, there were only 3 spots to sleep, and someone would have to share a bed, I was heading towards Jak's room, just to sleep of course, but Daniel pushed me aside and rushed inthere himself. I just can't believe it..." Sam cried uncontrollably.

"There, there." Vala said rubbing Sam's shoulder...


	10. Chapter 10

... and rubbed it some more, and scooted a little closer on her pail, still rubbing... gently, and edging closer still, until she really was very close indeed, and let her hand fall nonchalantly down the curve of Sam's shoulder and in towards her...

Sam stiffened. "Vala, what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm comforting you?"

"_That's_ COMFORT?"

"Oh yeah," Vala mumured, nuzzling and caressing.

"Stop it!"

"Don't you want to be comforted?" Vala whinied, snuggling and smooching.

"Get off Vala. Don't you understand? I'm saving myself!"

"Ever hear of practise first?" Vala mewed, tickling and teasing.

"Let go of my boob! I'm straight!"

"Are you sure?" Vala snickered, grappling and groping.

Sam's eyes rolled back in her head. "Well... uh... I thought I was... ooooh... don't..."

"Is that comforting?"

"... stop..."

"What did you say, Sam?"

"Don't..." Sam's eyelids fluttered and closed.

"Don't what?

"... stop..."

"Say again?"

"Don't stop!"

"Got it... " - and then, all of a sudden and much to Sam's frustration, Vala did stop.

Sam's eyes shot open. "Why the hell did you stop!"

"I heard something. Someone moaning."

"That was me you frickin idiot!"

"No! Outside the door!"


	11. Chapter 11

and then sam burst into tears at wich point jak fell thru de door and saw sam and then he says "baby, what wrong". then danny comes in and sees sam cryin and goes 'jak wot did you do too her" and samantha ran out of the room with teers streeming down her face.

* * *

talc pretended he was kel'no'reeming but Jak yelled at him for being a pervert. Talc left the room, cryuing about jak being a bad friend. "Now lok what you did, first you make Sam cry and now Tealc? I'm going off to see Vala." Danny said and left6 in a huuf. Leaving Jak all alone. (A.N. Poor jack! hugs) "well I suppose I should leave now," jak decided. 


	12. Chapter 12

Yes that's what Sam had hoped would happen, that her team would all come and save her, but alass it didn't happen. She was brought to her senses when she heard strange noises outside. She quickly removed Vala's hand from her...

"Teal'c! What are you doing over there."  
"General Hammond, what are you doing here?" Teal'c asked his voice strained.  
"I asked first, and why are you facing the door?"  
"I am checking for cracks in the ceiling General, I do not wish for the the mount-an to come down on my head."  
"But why are you checking by the supply closet?" Hammond asked very confused as to why Teal'c was still facing the wall.  
"I need to get into the supply closet and get some supplies. It is very urgent I get in there"  
"Really? what kinda supplies do you need in there?" Hammond asked.


	13. Chapter 13

_"Unscheduled off-world activation!"_

Hammond never did find out what Teal'c was after in the closet (though he suspected it had something to do with the way Teal'c scuttled quickly sideways along the corridor like an over-sized stallion-thighed crab) because Chief Master Sergeant Walter Harriman's sing-song voice rang out over the base's PA system.

"Damn, who can that be at this ungodly hour?" grumbled Hammond as he jogged to the nearest elevator - which he shouldn't have to do now, he reminded himself; jogging that is, because he was a _general _and he had lieutenants and captains and majors and even colonels to jog for him, didn't he? And when was someone going to invent a corset for generals to keep their bellies in place when some inconsiderate off-worlder activated the SGC's _'everyone must drop everything and jog to the 'gate-room'_ protocol? Because if they could devise jock-straps to help the young airmen hold body and soul together, why not something suitably crafted for the usually desk-bound Top Brass?

Half a minute and numerous belly-bounces later, Hammond huffed into the control room above the Stargate as Teal'c hobbled in behind him. Sam and Vala had made it there too - Vala had an unmistakeably smug expression while Sam looked rather flushed and the buttons on her shirt were fastened lop-sided. The recently arrived Jack O'Neill was standing there too, eyeing Sam suspiciously and shooting dagger-like green-tinged eyes at Vala whenever the woman slipped her hand towards the hidden vicinity of Sam's bottom. They all stood and watched as the closed iris on the 'gate started to glow, then pulsate, then finally melted into a gloopy puddle not unlike one of those squishy clocks in a Salvador Dali painting. The exposed wormhole shimmered silver-blue and translucent and opaque and flourescent and several other mutually exclusive watery-like adjectives... and Thor stepped through...

... wearing a suit of Asgard-Kevlar and carrying a big ray gun, two sets of handcuffs, leashes and ball-gags.

"I am here for O'Neill and Carter," the armed and dangerous rogue Asgard announced. "Bring them to me or you will all die."

Jack O'Neill gaped through the bullet-proof window of the control room at the diminutive but oddly threatening character on the ramp below. He was in a bit of a dilemma. On the one hand, just the sight of Thor's nickel, leather and latex armoury was making two crucial parts of Jack's anatomy cramp up in a futile effort to hide somewhere near his prostate gland. On the other hand, he thought it might just be worth enduring the indignity of wearing Thor's kit if it meant he'd finally get to see Carter similarly attired. Besides, he had to get Carter away from Vala _somehow_... soon, and urgently if the glazed expression on Carter's face whenever Vala whispered something next to her shell-like was anything to go by...

Jack made an executive decision. "We're no match for that Asgard ray-gun! Carter and I will have to submit to Thor's demands - for the sake of the SGC and all the personnel within."

Teal'c raised an eyebrow. Hammond raised two eyebrows. Walter raised two eyebrows and pushed his glasses up on to his forehead. Daniel wandered in, looked about curiously, took off his glasses, wiped them, looked out through the window, raised two eyebrows and dropped his jaw just to be on the safe side.

Sam choked and Vala looked rather disappointed.

Jack grabbed Sam's elbow and pulled her protesting out of Vala's possessive grip and hauled her down the steps into the 'gate-room, whereupon both Jack and Sam found themselves shoved, clipped and strapped efficiently into the adventurous new wardrobe which Thor had picked out for them, then pushed through the gate.

The gate-crew fell oddly silent as the wormhole disengaged. Daniel spoke up:

"So, did they pay Thor for an hour or what?"


	14. Chapter 14

"Hmghmph mmmmph..."  
Thor beckoned Sam to bend over then removed her gag

"Thor, why did you make us put on these constricting outfits." Sam said spitting trying to get the taste off her tongue, wondering why it tasted like the yellow ones. "And where on Orilla did you get pink fuzzy handcuffs?

"Well I am sorry Col. Carter, but the last time I met with Gen. O'Kneel he gave me the items and suggested I use them on the two of you when I brought you here. I however do not understand why he insisted I wear this outfit, it is giving me what you humans refer to as a wedgie." Thor said trying to pull the material away with his long skinny fingers.

"What! You mean Ja.. Gen. O'Kneel is responsible for this." Sam said angrily looking at Jack who was looking like a puppy dog that had just soiled the carpet.

"Yes Carter I am." Jack said, easily getting out of his restraints, since he made sure his was the type that had the escape latches built in.

"Come on Carter don't look at me like that." Jack said grabbing Sam's leash and leading her over to a place where they could sit down.

"But why…why would you do this to me?" Sam said with tears filling her oh so bright baby blue, bluer than the oceans of some foreign planet I can't remember the name of, eyes.

Jack feeling like an ass, took the blue fuzzy part of his handcuffs and wiped the tears from Sam's eyes.

"Ah geez now I have something in my eye!" Sam wailed.

"Don't worry baby, the tears will wash it out. As for why, its because I had to make a deal with Thor, he agreed to help with this, if I agreed to help him…"


	15. Chapter 15

Thor put down his ray gun (which really was very big indeed and much too heavy for him - he thought he might be getting a touch of sciatica) and offered to remove Sam's fluffy cuffies. To his surprise (and to Jack's greater surprise and increasing breathlessness) Sam pulled away and endeavoured to keep them on. You see, it wasn't that Sam had a special liking for cuffs or anything (in fact she was rather reluctant to remain... er... at a disadvantage while Jack was sitting next to her), but she _did_ have a rather powerful fetish for pink. Not any sort of pink, mind. Sam was particular. Not the sort of shocking, shiny pink that constituted the infamous tight and unflattering satin pants of the 70's and early 80's; nor the vivid, relentless pink which assaults your eyes when you walk down the girls' toys aisle in Walmart or Woolworths and leaves an annoying green imprint on your retina until Christmas; nor even the relatively acceptable magenta-pink that lighting designers love to use at rock concerts during the obligatory ballad number when the audience hold up their lighters and sway and tell their buddies, "I love you, man".

No. None of those pinks.

Because Sam liked pastel pink. Yeah, the really pale, wishy-washy, pointless, strawberry-ice-cream sort of pink that makes 7-year-old boys gag and 10-year-old tomboys puke and grown men everywhere cringe and wish that they hadn't put their new white shirt in the laundry with their wife's/daughter's/girlfriend's/boyfriend's red panties.

Yes, that pink. And Sam loved it, craved it, couldn't get enough of it... and as she craned her neck to look over her shoulder at the fluffy cuffies she was wearing it kinda made all the difference that they were _that _**_pink_**.

"Thor," she said huskily, "if I agree to help you, can I keep these?" Her unnamed-extra-terrestrial-ocean-blue eyes darkened with desire and longing.

Thor blinked. "Uh. As you wish, Colonel Carter. I will explain. I'm going to have a baby."

Sam laughed. A lot. Then she composed herself. "Sorry, Thor, for a moment there I thought you said you were going to have a baby."

"I did," said Thor, and removed his Kevlar body armour, to reveal his very big, round, grey, quivvering tummy.

Sam shrieked. "Oh my god! Male-pregnancy bad!fic! The worst kind!"


	16. Chapter 16

"Thor" Sam shreiked again. "I didn't think the Asgards could reproduce." I thought you could only clone each other?" Sam glanced over to see Jack staring at Thor, his mouth dropped to the floor.

"We have been studying your ways of reproducing and decided to add additional organs to our last several clone bodies before our personnas were re-introduced. "We have found your methods of inter..

"Aht Aht! " Jack interupted. " No need to go any further buddy" "We get your point."

'"So ... When are you dooo?" asked a more relaxed Sam.

"That has yet to be deermined, since I am the first to carry an Asgaurd fetus to term."

SAm had had enouf," So why have I been brought up here? "Sir? What's going on?"

Jack looked eveywhere but at Sam and said "Thor, tell her."

"A new ship has been built that is far superior to any vessel we've built inn the past...

Jack straightned up and said "Even better the the O'Neill?"

"Yes" Thor said. "Improvements to the dampening shields insure a more comfortable ride, amoung several other additions."

"What's it's name?" Jack asked with a smirk.

"Better yet, why the hell are we here?" Sam was loosing her patience and Sam never losed her patience so she was mad.

Thor tilted his head and explained "


	17. Chapter 17

"Our super new spaceship is called the _Pink Jello Cocoon_ and it is to be the home of my precious new baby." Thor stroked his tummy affectionately. "And by-the-way, Colonel Carter, strictly speaking, I am not male."

Jack looked up sharply and stopped trying to weave a pompom out of the fluffy blue fur he'd removed from his handcuffs. "Say what? Of course you're male."

"No. We Asgard are androgynous, O'Neill. You must have noticed..."

O'Neill looked uncomfortable. "Thor... trust me, you're _male_. We've done that male-bonding thing. I don't do male-bonding with angog... adydrog... anygog... any old not-male thing. It's a man thing. I have male buddies... yeah, that's right - male, manly, buddy-like man's bonding buddies..."

"Shut up General!" Sam snapped.

Jack balked at the blatant insubordination. He opened his mouth again to say something, but only a couple of drips of drool found their way out.

Sam rounded on the Asgard. "Thor, spill it!"

"We were not male-bonding, O'Neill," Thor told Jack calmly, slipping him a tissue. "I was conducting an experiment. I was determining your suitability to be the surrogate father of my child. As indeed I was determining your suitability, Colonel Carter, to cherish my child in the capacity of adoptive mother. We Asgard have no experience of raising children, and this one is very special. It will be born with the accumulated repository of Asgard knowledge implanted in its cerebral cortex. You, Colonel Carter and General O'Neill, are to raise it to maturity. We have fitted out the _Pink Jello Cocoon_ with merry-go-rounds and packets of Cheerios and a mini crazy golf course for you O'Neill and a pink picket fence for you Carter, and you will spend the rest of your lives there in domestic bliss..."

Sam leapt up. "OooKAY, TIME-OUT! TIME-_OUT_!" - - -

_Sam runs up and bangs her forehead repeatedly on the inside of scarimor's monitor... "No frickin way, you guys - this cliched drivel stinks! Mandy, scari, Poz - get me the hell out of here, now!"_

_SG1Poz peers over scarimor's shoulder at Sam. "It's bad-fic, Sam. Deal with it."_

_"I've had enough!" Sam hisses at them. "Had enough of you making fun of my taste in flowers and chocolates and cuffs and __men..."_

_"Hey," says Mandy soothingly, "Sam, chill..."_

_"I don't want to chill! I want to get out of this pinked-up nightmare before I throttle someone!" Sam spots gatelover, deejay and spaz slurrping blue jello over in the corner and pleads with them. "Help meeeeeee..."_

_"You can't throttle anyone" says scarimor, "you're still wearing your precious fluffy cuffies."_

_"And as for __**you.**.." Sam spins back and glares at scarimor, "don't you think I didn't notice what you did - as if we didn't already know you're a pervert - you should be ashamed of yourself!"_

_scarimor sulks. "Yeah well, DEM provoked me..."_

_"I want out of this shacked up with Jack in candy-floss with an Asgard baby stuff right now!" yells Sam. - - -_

"Ooooooh," said Thor suddenly, hauling Sam back into the past tense and a dire plot that was on the verge of imploding, "I think I'm having contractions."


	18. Chapter 18

_Sam, I love you. So I'm very, very sorry. _

"Contractings?" Jack jumped up, falling bacwards off the bed he and Sam had been leaded to, smacking his head on the floor.

"Don't look at ME! Sam snaped. "I don't know nothing about birthin no babies!" Not to mentionthat she was still all handcuffed up. So she wouldn't do much good in helping even if A) She wanted too or B) She knew what to do. "I'll give you domestic bliss!"

On the floor Jack moaned and groaned, "Carter! For Crying Out Loud"! Finally he stood and rushed to Thor's side, "Come on buddy. It's okay. It's..." He scooped up the writhing, screaming alien and deposited him on the bed next to Sam. "Aw heck Carter-he's got no place for the baby to come out! He forgot that part when he cloned this body!"

"OMG! Sir! You're gonna have to operate!"


	19. Chapter 19

"What! I can't operate, I'm a General, and a man to booot eh."  
Jack then watched Sam do a manoover that he wished he got on tape, so he could play it back it slow motion, over and over and over and over…

"Sire! We have to operate, Thor needs a cesarean!" Sam said now that she had manoovered herself so her hands were now in front of her.

"Carter, this is no time for a salad!" Jack said with real worry in his eyes, (no not the fake kind he uses every time Daniel's about to die, because he's done that soo many times, Jack wishes the next time will be the last.)

"No Sir, not a Caesar Salad, a caesarean to get the baby out. I just don't know that I can do this, I just wish Janet was here, she would know what to do." Sam said trying to keep the tears from coming back thinking about her long dead friend. 'Snif'

"Thor I really don't know what I'm doing, and I don't know if you have any anaesthesia…

"Hey! Enough with the big words! I'm getting a headache."

"Okaaay, Sir it's going to be very painful, I mean its really really gonna hurt Thor if we op-er-ate with out putting Thor to sleep." 'Geez the things I have to for this man.'

"What!" came a very high pitched voice from Thor.

"Sorry Thor, I can't help it, its gonna hurt like hell…only if Janet were here." Snif

" O'Neill, you must hurry, go to the bottom floor of the ship, to the very back, deepest darkest corner, in there you will find Dr. Fraiser." said a very worried Thor.

"What!" screamed Sam.

"Yes it is where we keep old used up plot lines, never to be seen again…be careful O'Neill, Anise is also down there."

"Oy, ah is she still wearing that tight low cut outfit that makes my…."

"General! We don't have time for that, Thor need Janet now!" Sam yelled, she hated Anise, and didn't want her flaunting her 'Stuff' around Jack.  
_  
Look Scarimor and Mandy, I've had about enough of this bad plot as I can take, and now you've corrupted the oh so innocent Poz and Deejay, they will never be the same! I'm not worried about TJ because I'm sure she's been corrupted a long time ago. But I tell you, when this is done, I am so going to get my P90 and…"_

Scarimor looks at Mandy, Mandy looks at Scarimor," I'm not sure Scar, I think Sam might not survive this fic, What do you think?"

"Muwah-ha cough-ha-ha, damn I thought I got rid of that virus."

_Sam looks through monitor, Deejay! Poz! You won't let them kill me off will you? Sniff, Sniff_


	20. Chapter 20

Jack's knees started to hurt very bad indeed as he squeezed his way down an extremely tight Asgard-sized Jefferies tube (because, unknown to the SGC, Asgard ships were in fact based on a pair of blueprints for advanced 29th century starships built by Starfleet which had side-skated through the space-time continuum and done a double quantum pirouette on their way into the Stargate universe, earning four 5.9's and two 6.0's from the free-style judges at the 2806 Pan-Dimensional-Olympics).

He winced and moaned and wriggled and finally emerged into the deepest, darkest deck of Thor's vessel, oozing out like the last dregs of toothpaste from a tube that's been kicking around in the bathroom too long because no one can be bothered to find a new full one at 2am when they've had a few too many bacardis and cokes or later that morning when the hangover strikes...

... to find Dr Janet Fraiser propped up against a wall wearing several reams of bubble-wrap.

Jack scrambled to his feet in relief. "Doc, thank god, we need you."

Janet refused to meet his eyes.

"Doc!" Jack said urgently, ripping open her bubble-wrap, "you gotta come quick - Thor's in labour and he needs some lettuce and croutons."

Janet glared at the opposite wall. "I'm not coming," she said through gritted teeth.

"You _got _to!"

"Do not."

"Why not?"

Janet pouted. "Mandy called me an 'old used up plot line'."


	21. Chapter 21

"Hang in there Thor, Jack will be here with Janet soon." Sam said trying to sound positive.

"Janet, This is soooooooo not the time to be discussing feelings. Mandy's muse just..left the building. We need you, Thor needs you now!" Jack exclamed.

Janet shook her head and began to crawl up the tubular tunnel behind Jack.

"Hmm, Jack does have a nice As...

"What?" "What did you say?" Jack yelled back.

"JackAss Sir!" I said too bad we didn't have a Jackass to pull us out of here. Janet blushed.

They finally exited the tunnel and Janet immediatly ran to Sam and hugged her tightly,"Don't worry Sam, Scar will keep you in the game."

"OOOOOOOUUUCCCHHHH!" Thor screamed.

Janet looked at Thor and began to take note of his deteriating condition.

Climeing onto a step-stool, the little doctor shined her teeny, janet-size lite into Thors eyeballs.


	22. Chapter 22

"I don't think the baby's in there, Doc," said Jack, studying Thor's still grey form dubiously.

"I'm checking his cortical response, _general_." Janet paused. "He's fainted."

"Great timing!" said Jack. "Slice him open while he's under and pull junior out already."

At that moment the step-stool wobbled and Janet grabbed hold of Sam's tousled blonde hair to steady herself. "Damn, this thing's not stable. Sam, get down on your hands and knees so I can stand on top of you!"

Sam leapt to obey the small and beautifully formed and deliciously authoritative doctor, feeling a sudden warm thrill when she felt Janet's heels digging into her back. "Is that okay, Janet?" she asked submissively.

Janet didn't respond. She was too busy disecting Thor's distended belly - from where like a magician with a hat she pulled out a delightfully cute, blue-eyed, curly-haired, smiling grey baby.

"Oooh," said Thor, waking up as Janet tacked him up again with the remains of the blue threads from Jack's fluffy cuffies, "is that my off-spring?"

The baby looked straight at Jack and gurgled. "Mama!"


	23. Chapter 23

Sam jerked as she heard the baby actually speak. Only minutes old,a nd the baby was speaking already!1111

Jack grinned, reaching out to take the baby from the tiny doctory's diminuative hands. "Come here little one...Hey! Sam. She...He...It's talking already. She MUST be yours!"

"O'Neal! She is not Lt. Col Carter's baby. I have explained already, she is mine."

"She?" Sam had really had enpugh of Janet standing on her back like that, and she didn't care what Scar thought-she was not SUBMISSIVE to nobody-so she stood rapidly, stifling a smile when Janet tumbled to the ground. "Sorry Jan."

She moved to stanfd next to Jack, "Oh sir! She's so beautiful! Look...our little girl."

Jack sniffed, wiping a tear from his eyes, "Yes. We'll call her Grace Danielle Tealcolette Georgia. Won't we Sammy?"

"Oh Jack!"


	24. Chapter 24

Janet promptly threw up over their feet. "Gah... Thor..." she spewed, grimacing, "you need to rescue this kid back asap!"

* * *

"Janet!" Sam screeched while cleaning her boot against Jack's leg. "You promised you wouldn't do that anymore. Not since that time I spent the night at your house because when we were sellabrating Cassie's 13th birthday and we had too much to drink. I don't know how Cassie can hold her liquor, then Cassie put us to bed (your extra-large king size bed) that you got lost in, because you're so small. And you did those things to me...

Jack suddenly feels very uncomfortable, not knowing if he's enjoying this story or feeling jealous, so he puts his hands over his ears and starts saying "LALALALALA

...and then you said that what we did wasn't really sex because you said that if the president says it isn't then it isn't.


	25. Chapter 25

Jack looks down to the cuff of his pants where Janet's spew is now offering the unpleasant aroma of vomitas unas.

" Ahh Carter, can we discuss that some other time other than NOW?" sneered Jack.

"So Thor, how can this little grey bundle of joy be mine and Carters and what makes you think we'd be willing to raise it on the Pink Jello Cocoon until it's an adult whatever?" Jack asked.


	26. Chapter 26

Thor's stunned sigh reverberated rapidly around the chamber, vibrating visciously off the metal walls till Grace Danielle Teal'collette Georgia started a whimpering wailing.

"See what you have done, O'Neill?" The little gray man reached up for his daughter, but as he was so much shorter than Sam he was unable to reach her. Sam clutched the babe to her chest, making Jack feel just a little bit jealous of the small thing.

"So? Thor? Buddy? How'd this kid get to be ours?" He moved to stand protectively around Sam-now that she was a mother he would never, never, never allow harm to come within a hair's breath of her again.

"I have already explained, O'Neill. The magnificent, marvelous, miraculous miracle that is the baby is MINE! And you and Lt. Col. Carter will raise her on the Pink Jello Cocoon becuase I have asked it. ANd because the Asguard can destroy your planet with a flick of our oversized brains!"


	27. Chapter 27

Janet scrambled to her feet, slipped on her puke, landed hard on her butt, emitted an expletive that made everyone present turn beet-red (even Thor, who hadn't known until that moment that he was capable of blushing), hauled herself back up again and grabbed the baby from where it was trying to suck on Sam's pink fluffy cuffies. She shoved the little bundle of Asgard joy and cuteness into Thor's skinny arms.

"Here! If it's your baby, _you_ raise it!" she told him. "These two can _not_ be trusted. Sam will dress it in something hideous and the other kids will laugh at it and O'Neill will take it on interminable boring fishing trips to compensate and it will be miserable and grow up resentful and turn into one of those evil mastermind criminals who sits in a huge but remarkably secret inner-mountain complex with hundreds of staff in boiler-suits and a fluffy white cat and says, "Ah, Mr Bond, I have been expecting you...

-- Janet had to pause here to take a breath because one of scari's run-ons occured in dialogue --

... and you don't want _that_ to happen, do you?"

Thor stared at the breathless doctor, a little non-plussed . "Um... no?" He absently offered his baby a skinny finger to suck on. The little darling smiled and sucked contentedly.

"See, Thor?" said Janet pointedly, "you're a natural." She grabbed Sam's and Jack's leashes in one neat fist and hauled them away.

"Wha... where are we going?" gasped Jack.

"Earth!" said Janet, punching the DHD resolutely with her free hand.

"But what about Grace Danielle Teal'colette Georgia?" wailed Sam.

"_His_ name is Sigurd," Thor said with swelling fatherly pride. "I've decided."

"Can we be Auntie and Uncle?" Jack pleaded as Janet dragged them through the Stargate.

"Certainly, Auntie Jack," said Thor, "but we'll expect more than just book tokens for Christmas and birthdays." He checked his calendar. "And you're leaving it a little late for Sigurd's Easter eggs."

Annnnnnd...THE END  



End file.
